As a human, we should think about tomorrow, shouldn’t we? Its Saturday, I wake up with a little bit dizzy head, but it’s not it that disturb me. Everything was fine, I can feel the warmth of the sun, wake up in my own bed, but one thing: there is fishy question that hanging in my minds. I don’t know, maybe this because last night, I was listening SUM 41, RHCP, or some band that can make us think that our life, actually, if I can say: to be fabricated.
Question that passed in my head in that time: If I have two chances, only two chances in my life, what will be my decision?
- Life in the system. Have a normal life. Go to work in the morning, go home. Not very monotone though, but surely, I will lost my awareness in life because when you life in the system, you must do what the system need.
- Life as you pleased, become forgotten people, spend life in small community, but you have a sense. Heart full of the feeling. Silence as the nature; don’t give a fuck what other people said about you.
I don’t know what God will give to me. That’s why I hate the tomorrow, because you must have a plan. What next…. What next … It’s not about the dream, it’s about the passion. Not all the people know what they all want to do next. Its same everywhere and I think I am not the only one. As I presumed in several month that I spend in French, not matured enough as I think, but I start to accept my existence, my fear, loneliness, feel of the isolation, the kindness of the stranger around me and of course Indonesian people as we have same fate. My heart isn’t dry anymore.
I thought in the first place, that my decision is number two. Why? It’s so funny think that naturally I don’t want to talk about it. But, one reason that decided me to go to french, is I don’t want to search a job, after I graduated from my institution in Indonesia. Its weird thought, but I think we can get the money in many ways, can’t we?
As my time study in french will be over in 3 month, I just feel a little bit tired, particularly maybe bored. Sometimes, I watched “slimy film”, just to get some adrenaline out of me as a normal man. But, I think I must search some healthy way. I am very jealous with the people that already have their passion. I don’t know how to get that. Feeling pleasure what they do. As I can cited from speaker of some conference: A free sea diver that tell how he feels when he swim into the deep of the sea, as deep beyond 100 meter, breaking the common sense of the theorist that said 100 meter is the limit. He defeats the common sense under the dark since the sun cannot penetrate the ocean. When he goes to the surface, he must double his power because of the gravity. When everything that he saw is same everywhere, such in the space, very empty, but can have extraordinary feeling. I miss that feeling, the feeling that make every single my cell in my body coordinate and make same movement.
I just can’t simply deny what I suppose to do as a student. I know that the future is at our hands. I just let go my crazy things sometimes because I don’t have enough time to things about that as my activity consume so many thoughts. But, I just fell something is missed in my life. We win some and lose some.